Its 22:30 in the evening. I cant fucking breath. Do i tell anyone? No. People don’t talk about feelings. They’ll go away. Things will get better right? Just smile its not hard. Just block it out. Just pretend everything’s okay.
Im sick of pretending that everything is fucking okay. My legs are so numb and i cant move. I cant breath, i cant breath.
i can not breath.
I cant fucking breath.
From the outside i bet you all think iv got it figured out. I dress well, i do my hair, and paint a pretty picture onto my face all day everyday. I work hard and act like I’m so motivated, like i know what I’m doing with my life, where I’m going, that i am happy and confident as fuck. Because thats what you are meant to do right. Block it out. Don’t talk about the shit that stops you from getting out of bed in the morning. I hate talking about it. Doesn’t everybody? Put on a play people say. Put on a play.
Sometimes the most painful demons, are the ones hidden from the outside. If your not bleeding, wounded, in a cast or in a hospital bed. They presume, if you can not see it it does not really exist.
Some days are better than others. Some days are worse. But they are just days. Theres more to come. Theres more battles to fight, more days where everything will be okay. Days where i cant leave my front door to go out and socialise with my friends. Because my belly is too big, i am dripping in sweat as a fire is burning from the inside out, because my heart is heavy, my eyes are an ocean, everybody looks and everybody judges, my body is numb yet everything is moving so quickly, everyone is moving so quickly. Shivering and shaking i cant control it, Chloe calm down, Chloe stop. Everything is so loud, everyones looking, staring, watching, theres no one even here oh stop stop stop stop stop stop make it stop.
1 2 3 hold 123 exhale 123 123
123 hold 123 exhale 123 123
I still cant breath, this is never going to bloody stop. It feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast i am going to explode. My head is spinning the room is blurry. I feel like i’m drowning, this is going on for fucking ever.
123 hold 123 exhale 123 123
By breathing is slowing down, my heart is still heavy.
I have one of the best friends i could wish for. I am not alone.
Really really deep breaths… in and out.
I still feel numb, but my heart rate is slowing. The tears have stopped.
Sit up. My head is so heavy and the room is spinning. I sit. Its midnight. Everything is quiet, hollow, empty.
Its over. Its finally over.
A cold splash of water against my face, lifting my head to the mirror. Tonight was a fucking hard night. But thats okay.
Tomorrow will be better, anxiety is a real thing and it needs to be talked about. Sometimes i use my blog as a diary entry for times when i’m alone and if i need a coping mechanism. I wrote this mid panic attack to give myself something to focus on and a way to calm myself down. Reading it back made me realise that maybe, just maybe it will help some of you. Im not sure if i will, or wont share this. I know for now it will sit in my drafts, but if it does ever reach the touch of your finger tips. Remember this was a big deal for me to share with you all. Not many people know about these evenings, or these points in my life, read it, use it to help you, and please be sensitive. I know not all of you will get this, the majority of you probably wont. But i hope at-least some of you do. Im sharing this with you so that it can help those of you who experience similar attacks and in hope that anyone right now experiencing a similar situation, will realise that they are not alone.
The next post will be a cheery one i promise, but everyone has clouds of darkness that shadow their light, and we are allowed to talk about those clouds just like we are physical illnesses. I am Chloe. I get anxiety attacks, and that was how i dealt with it. The raw and honest truth. Some of you will laugh, some will judge, but for my sake keep those judgements to yourself. Mental health is a thing, and it needs to be talked about.
All the love, Chloejadex
P.s, i wrote this over 4 months ago in a time when my mental health was in a really bad place, since then things have got a lot better, which is why i’m finally choosing to share this with you, to prove that things can get better. Over the past few days I have literally had 5 people come to me with problems to do with mental health. Some are seeking therapy, some are thinking about it and some are too afraid. The fact that In 3 days 5 of my friends approached me with such a topic really gave me a reality check. There are so so so many people out there suffering with mental illness whether that be anxiety, depression, eating disorders or anything else…. yet all feel the same. All feel ashamed, or embarrassed to talk about it, all barely tell anyone because of the fear of being judged. But the sad reality of it is that more people than you realise know exactly how your feeling. If you get anything from this blog, let it be that it should teach you that it’s okay to seek help. It’s okay not to be okay. We shouldn’t be ashamed of something that controls such a big part of our lives. I shouldn’t be ashamed anymore because anxiety is a part of who i am and mental health needs to be talked about. Its 2017, lets end the stigma.